Sleeplessness
Fear. I lay awake in bed, unable to calm my mind, thoughts racing and stomach rolling I finally give up on sleep and get out of bed. Nausea slides over me. What am I doing awake? I can't help but wonder what exactly it is that won't let go of me. Demons riding me hard all day, this inability to just relax and let go and yet an unwanted fatigue coupled causes me to take cat naps throughout the day.
I close my eyes and think of nothing. Just calm and quite. Black. I let the quiet fill me... I concentrating of the clicking of my fingers on the keys. For this life I am grateful, for this home... I am grateful. I think of my many blessings and of the things in my life which are most fufilling, the relationships which are beginning and the ones which I have been able to maintain over the years.
The nausea isn't fading. I don't think it's stress. This is day two. That watery mouth which signals the need to run to the bathroom has been a constant. I go... and nothing. False alarm. What the hell am I doing awake? I feel the demons of fear and indecision around me, within me.
Again, I close my eyes. It's only another week. Okay two. Two more weeks of this. Then, no more. Quiet. An unnatural sleep which beckons me. Being awakened every two hours for strolls through the halls of a hospital and the pain. Anxiety strikes.
It consumes me. This fear which I share with none. This uncontrollable, overwhelming fear. Surgery is in two weeks from today. What if? What if I don't come back. What if this time...
STOP! I will not let this consume me. I will not let it control me. Fear does not make my decisions and it does not control me.
The nausea... God please help me... I pray....let this pass... I can only let go.
"This too shall pass" a deep soothing voice echos through my mind.
I know if I can only let go, stop trying to control it all and just let it go that the nausea will quit. The sleeplessness will ease and I will find rest again. If only I could let...go...
Eyes closed. Mind blank. Slow, deep breaths. Slow...deep...breaths...
Sleep.
I close my eyes and think of nothing. Just calm and quite. Black. I let the quiet fill me... I concentrating of the clicking of my fingers on the keys. For this life I am grateful, for this home... I am grateful. I think of my many blessings and of the things in my life which are most fufilling, the relationships which are beginning and the ones which I have been able to maintain over the years.
The nausea isn't fading. I don't think it's stress. This is day two. That watery mouth which signals the need to run to the bathroom has been a constant. I go... and nothing. False alarm. What the hell am I doing awake? I feel the demons of fear and indecision around me, within me.
Again, I close my eyes. It's only another week. Okay two. Two more weeks of this. Then, no more. Quiet. An unnatural sleep which beckons me. Being awakened every two hours for strolls through the halls of a hospital and the pain. Anxiety strikes.
It consumes me. This fear which I share with none. This uncontrollable, overwhelming fear. Surgery is in two weeks from today. What if? What if I don't come back. What if this time...
STOP! I will not let this consume me. I will not let it control me. Fear does not make my decisions and it does not control me.
The nausea... God please help me... I pray....let this pass... I can only let go.
"This too shall pass" a deep soothing voice echos through my mind.
I know if I can only let go, stop trying to control it all and just let it go that the nausea will quit. The sleeplessness will ease and I will find rest again. If only I could let...go...
Eyes closed. Mind blank. Slow, deep breaths. Slow...deep...breaths...
Sleep.
posted by kassilei at 11:54 PM
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